Healing After Loss: A Journey Through Guilt and Recovery

“How are you feeling today?” Dr. Rivera’s voice was calm but purposeful, carrying across the small office lined with muted paintings and soft golden lamps.

Sienna blinked at the therapist, her fingers nervously picking at a loose thread on her sleeve. “Today feels…okay. Better than most days.”

“Better, really?” Dr. Rivera tilted her head slightly, watching her.

“I think so. I actually slept a bit last night. It’s been a while since I could.”

“That’s good,” the doctor said gently. “Sleep is a kind of progress.”

Sienna nodded but didn’t smile. “I mean… coming to work wasn’t as hard this morning. But the cases I have today—they’re some of the heavier ones. Draining.”

“But less hard to face?”

“Less hard,” she agreed quietly.

“That’s a step forward.”

Sienna exhaled. “Yeah… I guess it is.”

Dr. Rivera’s tone softened. “How are things with Daniel?”

Sienna’s face tightened. “We broke up.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?”

“I… I don’t know,” she whispered, her throat tightening. “He said he couldn’t handle watching me fall apart. Said it was too much.”

“That must have been painful.”

“It was,” Sienna snapped. “How could he just leave? He knew what I was going through.”

“It’s difficult to watch someone you love in pain,” Dr. Rivera said gently. “It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of care. It means sometimes people reach their limits.”

“I’m not doing nothing,” Sienna murmured. “I’m trying. I’m dealing. Processing.”

“You can barely talk about it.”

“I talk about it all the time!”

“Only here. Does anyone else know about the nightmares?”

Silence.

“Does anyone else know how long it’s been since you did something fun for yourself?”

“Not spending money doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything fun,” Sienna said defensively.

“What did you do last night?”

“I watched a movie and baked a cake.”

“Which movie?”

“Just…a movie.”

“One of the new ones?”

“What are you trying to get at?”

Dr. Rivera’s eyes were steady. “Sienna, I know this is still eating at you.”

“I keep thinking,” Sienna whispered, “that if I’d worked harder, stayed later, paid more attention…”

“The incident wasn’t your fault,” Dr. Rivera said firmly.

“Wasn’t it? I was there. We were talking. How can you say it wasn’t my fault?”

“You’ve saved so many people.”

“But not enough. Not when it mattered most.”

“Tell me about that day.”

“We’ve been over it,” Sienna snapped. “Over and over.”

“And yet it still controls you.”

“I’m processing.”

“Processing doesn’t mean healing. If you’re still stuck, we haven’t addressed it fully.”

Sienna’s eyes glistened. “I don’t see the point in reliving it again.”

“Then why are you still coming to see me?”

“Should I stop?”

“Why else are you here, Sienna?”

“Because…” Her hands trembled. “There are other things to talk about.”

“Such as?”

“I still don’t understand. The last time we spoke, there was so much progress. I don’t know what happened.”

“Don’t you?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes… okay, maybe there were signs.”

“A sign?”

“Maybe two.”

“There were significant signs,” Dr. Rivera said softly.

“So you think it’s my fault?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“But you meant it.”

“No. I meant there were signs that a problem was growing—not that you ignored them. You’re human.”

“I should have seen it. It’s my job to see it.”

“You’re human,” Dr. Rivera repeated. “You can only do so much. You’re not responsible for another person’s actions.”

“Then why am I even here?”

“To do the best you can.”

“That’s not good enough!”

Dr. Rivera’s eyes softened. “Didn’t your professors prepare you for losing someone?”

“Yes,” Sienna whispered.

“What did they say?”

“That I’d blame myself but… it wouldn’t be my fault. That sometimes, no matter what you do, you still lose people.”

“So why do you think this hurts so much?”

“How could it not?”

“You’ve been holding onto this for nearly a year.”

“When did grief start having an expiration date?” Sienna snapped.

“I’m not saying that.”

“You made it sound like I’m supposed to be done grieving.”

“That isn’t what I meant.”

“Then tell me,” Sienna hissed, “how long did it take you to get over losing that child on your caseload? You did everything right, and it still haunts you. So how long is long enough? How many tears are enough tears?”

“You can’t save everyone, Sienna.”

“I know!” Her voice cracked. “I know…”

“Are you taking your medication?”

“You’re changing the subject.”

“No. I’m trying to make sure you’re okay.”

“I hate how they make me feel.”

“They’re supposed to help you rebalance until you feel steady again.”

“They just make me numb.”

“It’s normal to feel disconnected at first. It’s your mind rebalancing.”

“That’s not how it feels.”

“But you know what I mean.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not taking them.”

“You won’t heal if you keep avoiding treatment.”

“I know. I’ll try a different one. I promise.”

“You also have to stop blaming yourself.”

“Is that why you’re here?”

“I’m here because you’re not taking care of yourself.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not. You’re eating once a day. Tossing and turning all night. Skipping showers. You’re not reading. You’re not calling your family. You’ve stopped doing the things you love. This has been going on for a year.”

Sienna’s shoulders slumped. “Maybe I’m not doing a very good job at taking care of myself lately.”

“Things have gotten very dark,” Dr. Rivera said softly.

“They have.” Sienna’s voice cracked. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m failing.”

“The incident wasn’t your fault.”

“I know, but it feels like it. Everything feels so dark. Like I’m drowning. When I close my eyes, I hear the gunshot. I see the blood. It’s on my hands, my clothes…”

“It’s okay,” Dr. Rivera murmured.

“It’s not. It never should have happened.”

“We can’t control other people’s actions. Some endings are just violent and abrupt. There may be reasons, but we’ll never know them all.”

“Do you think it hurt?”

“The gunshot?”

“No. Doing it. Ending it.”

“No. In that moment, there was an end to their pain. That was the point. I’m sorry it’s caused you so much pain, but it’s still not your fault.”

“I should have gone over when they called.”

“You couldn’t have known.”

“Still…”

A knock at the door interrupted them. “Dr. Rivera,” her assistant called, “your next client is here.”

“I’ll see you tonight,” Dr. Rivera said.

Sienna hesitated at the door. “Dr. Rivera?”

“Yes?”

“Are you happier now? Since… since your own loss?”

Dr. Rivera smiled sadly. “Well… life doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“That doesn’t comfort me.”

“No. It never does.”